The Green Mountain Hero: Ethan Allen

May 11, 1775, 11:34 am
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Ticonderoga is ours!

We marched undetected straight into the unused outer parts of the fort. After raising a loud battle cry, I led the boys straight into the fort. A single sentry at the gate of the inner fort almost shot me, but he misfired and we captured him. He led us to the officers’ quarters, where I ordered Captain Delaplace (the commander of the fort) to come out at once and surrender the whole garrison. The captain came immediately and asked by what authority I asked him to surrender. I answered, “In the name of the great Jehovah, and the Continental Congress” (while I was saying that, I thought how cool it would be if that phrase became a historical quote that schoolboys would have to memorize and write papers on). Since we completely outnumbered the British, Delaplace had no option but to surrender.

Now, we’re just lounging around the fort waiting for orders and refreshing ourselves with the ninety gallons of rum the British left. In fact, I think I’ll go have some more now.

Before I go, let me post this video of the fort I just put on YouTube:


May 9, 1775, 11:17 am
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Stupid Norton Antivirus. ClamWin is so much better. Well, as I was saying, the New Yorkers and us Green Mountain Boys put aside our differences for a greater cause that started on April 19, 1775. Seventy-five militiamen under Captain John Parker were fired upon by 700 redcoats led by Major Pitcairn. Those were the shots that began the American War for Independence. I immediately began to think about capturing Fort Ticonderoga, the British fort that commanded Lake Champlain. If we captured Ticonderoga, Canada could be persuaded to join the United States. Additionally, there were only fifty redcoats occupying the base. So I invited the Connecticut militia to join the Green Mountain boys in taking the fort and off we went. However, we had no sooner started than some wannabe Colonel Benedict Arnold arrived with a commission, a horse, and a valet and announced that he was in command. I looked at the fellow and at his commission. Then I took him outside and explained it to the boys. I told them that the pay would be the same, the plan would be the same, but instead of their battle hardened leader they had come to admire and respect, they would get some twopence colonel with a fancy uniform. The boys stared at the colonel, stared at me, and decided that I was their man. Period.

This brings us up to the present. Right now, we’re in the middle of ferrying over the men onto Ticonderoga’s shore under the cover of darkness. If I’m still alive when the battle is over, I’ll tell you what happened.

Oh yeah, while Arnold was being his cockatoo self, I managed to snap a picture of him with my Canon Powershot. Here’s the photo:

New Hampshire Grants
May 8, 1775, 9:56 am
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Geez, Windows computers are so bad. Why couldn’t Arnold just have gotten a MacBook? It would have solved all of his problems.

Back to my story. I first came to prominence in America during the dispute over the New Hampshire Grants. The New Hampshire Grants was an area of land claimed by (duh) New Hampshire. The problem? New York State also claimed this area due to vague land grants by the king of England to both New Hampshire and New York. New Hampshire began sending settlers into the region in 1749. However, in 1764, the New Yorkers obtained a royal judgment in their favor and began attempting to evict the New Hampshire settlers. The settlers refused. To make matters worse, when the king ordered New York to stop issuing land in the Grants in 1765, the New Yorkers ignored the decree and kept on giving out land.

So where do I come in? Well, at the time, I was living in the New Hampshire Grants. Many of the settlers in the region didn’t like the New Yorkers making us leave after we had just settled down. At first, we tried fighting them in the courts, but as the courts were controlled by New York, we had no chance. Left with no choice, in the summer of 1770 I began a New Hampshire Grants army known as The Green Mountain Boys. It was a motley group of about 300 untrained men who were all dead shots with a rifle. We made trouble for the New York settlers. At first, we only drove off small groups of settlers. Later, we attacked the whole town of Clarendon where we almost killed the justice of the peace. This riled up the Yorkers, who began making a determined attack to drive us off. But soon, we’d have to put our differences aside for a greater cause. For… but now Arnold is calling me. Something about “Norton Anti-Virus Requires Update”. BBL.

My Early Years
May 7, 1775, 9:07 am
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“Get those men into those boats right now!!! Move it!” Whoops, didn’t realize that my speech recognition software was on. Let me introduce myself. My name is Colonel Ethan Allen and I am an American. I was born into a revolutionary family on January 10, 1737. My father was Joseph Allen, a prominent figure in the colony of Connecticut. My early childhood was spent being tutored by a Reverend Jonathan Lee, where I learned how to read and write. After my tenure with Reverend Lee was over, the plan was that I would apply to Yale College and get a religious degree. However, that plan was cut short by the death of my father, who left the family with a huge estate and no one to take care of it. Since I was the eldest child, I immediately dropped out of school to take care of the farm. Later, when some of my younger brothers were old enough to do this, I moved away, married, and started a family. And then… but I’m being called away. General Arnold’s Internet just died, and I need to go fix it.